This script features characters depicting modern characters in a satirical version of the knight’s era.
Starring : The Feminazi, Jacob
The Offender, Marvin
The Offended, Lee
The Lazy Bum, Hans
( An emissary from the Northern Isle of Scotia enters the Great Hall of King Arthur, followed by a legion of armed escort)
Emissary : O Great King Arthur, Ruler of the land of the Southern Isles, Harvester of of the First Crop, Lord of the Golden Army, Hand of the Line of Nobles and Emperor of the Holy Grail, we are truly grateful for you having us in your audience this evening
Arthur : (Bouncing in this throne and nudging his adviser Jacob) Did you hear all those lovely titles by which she addressed me?
(From below the throne’s stairs spoke the Royal announcer Lee)
Lee : Surely you know she is not referring to you sire. By fact I believe that the emissary is mislead…
Arthur : Shhhhh
Emissary : I am Lady Olivia from the Scarlet Kingdom of…
Arthur : Yeah yeah yeah, just go on about me. You had such nice things to say.
Olivia : I beg your pardon?
Arthur : Oh not this again (scratching his head). Son are we doing pardons this week?
(First Son Hans slouched on a throne next to his father’s)
Hans : I do not recall, really.
Arthur : Well, I have nothing planned, so I guess I could do just one decision now.
Olivia : I’m sorry I do not understand ,my Liege.
Arthur : Royal jester, state the accused of her crimes before I announce my judgment of pardon or punishment.
(Rolling into the hall comes the royal jester Marvin)
Marvin : The woman at the pedestal stands trial ,as accused, of improper initiation of the traditional amalgamation rituals of this court, and hereby awaits the Royal Decree.
Lee : Gosh, that’s cruel.
Olivia : (Falls to her knees) Forgive me my lord if I have transgressed any of the sacred laws of your holy land.
Jacob : Good God, Marvin!
Marvin : No, not quite.
Lee : We do not joke of Holy matters Marvin. ‘Tis not our ways, but that of the heathens.
Marvin : With all due respect Master Lee, but I’m a midget in puffy pants and a wig and makeup. My whole life revolves around making jokes.
Lee : How pagan of you to say.
Marvin : How religious of you to claim.
(Olivia looks on confused)
(Arthur is seated firmly on his throne, maintaining his stern judgment face)
Marvin : So what, this would be number five, right?
(Arthur gives a stiff nod)
Olivia : Sire, I do not understand
Jacob : You are accused of improper proposal to his Highness.
Olivia :….. What?
Jacob : Yeah…(facepalm)
(The armed escort looks on and sits down on their shields to get a more comfortable view of the events)
Arthur : *clears his majestic throat* After assessing the emotional, political and physical conditions of the accused, I have decided to declare a royal pardon upon her transgression.
Whew, now we can get down to the paper work stuff. Could someone get me the Royal Blesser?
Marvin : I think he likes you.
Olivia : Sire, I..uuh…I-I never came here with the proposal of marr…
Jacob : Sire, at least let the woman decide if she wants to marry you.
Marvin : Hey, she approached him.
Arthur : I agree, I merely accepted the proposal.
Olivia : Me lord, my trip here was not for…
Jacob : Your Highness, what if the woman is reconsidering?
Lee : Are you saying his Highness is the subject of second thoughts?
Marvin : You sly devil.
Arthur : Indeed.
Jacob : I’m merely presenting a scenario which could occur sire, not one that I believe is occurring within your kingdom as we speak.
Olivia : If I may speak…
Jacob : But sire, I feel the woman has the option of considering her options as any man would.
Marvin : Should have “reconsidered” before slipping the ring on my own wife’s finger too *sigh*
Lee : Are you suggesting our King has undesirable traits?
Marvin : Oh snap.
Arthur : Oh no he didn’t.
Jacob : Verily not! This is not about my Liege, it is about the woman, for whom no one is standing.
Olivia : I could very well speak for myse…
Jacob : My only effort is to have her input added to the decision.
Lee : Why so?
Jacob : So her independence is valued and accepted.
Lee : Independence? She came here with a legion of men!
Jacob : She LEAD a legion of men.
Marvin : Disgraceful.
(The escorts lower their heads in shame)
Arthur : She didn’t come to declare war, did she?
Lee : Master Jacob sure did, against the Royal Crown!
Arthur : (Looks at Jacob) I trusted you *tears up*
Jacob : Sire, assuredly I have not betrayed that trust you have bestowed me with. I meant well, for you and your crown.
Arthur : *clearing his eyes* Good..well now, where is that Royal Blesser?
Hans : I do not know.
Arthur : Hans! What are you still doing there?
Hans : Nothing.
Arthur : Then why not fetch the Blesser?
Hans : I do not wish to do so.
Arthur : Why not?
Hans : I do not know.
(Arthur and the legion stare at Hans in disappointment)
Olivia : GENTLEMEN PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!!!!
Marvin : Order in the court, woman!!!
Jacob : Let her speak!!
Lee : Quiet, traitor!
Arthur : *continues to be disappointed by lethargic son*
Olivia : I came here from the Scarlet Kingdom of Scotia, bearing a message of peace and unification between my King, Eulic and your King Arthur the Great.
Lee & Jacob : The Great?
Marvin : That sword wielding, dragon slaying, round table owning bad boy lives next kingdom, South-Eastern to ours.
(Olivia and the Legion look on dumbfounded)
Marvin : Well, this is awkward.
Hans : You would be surprised how often this happens.
Arthur : Well…Never with a marriage proposal.
Olivia : I am not here to propose marriage “King” Arthur.
Arthur : Well, why not?!!
Olivia : Because my mission is a political one and your kingdom has delayed my progress far enough. We leave (waves here hand and the legion starts shifting to get up)
Arthur : Wait (legion sits back down). So are you declaring war against me?
Olivia : No King, I would not waste my King’s resources on such a useless matter.
Arthur : Then why have you stormed my court and killed my men?
(Emissary and legion and everyone else *besides Hans* looks at the King in surprise)
Jacob : Sire, I think we should stop our aggressive approach towards the woma…(gets pushed by the King down the stairs of his escalated throne and cracks his head and back in several odd places and lands at the emissary’s feet in professional contortionist manner)
(Olivia looks up to the King in shock)
Arthur : There, you have killed my Trusted adviser. My Kingdom shall not live down this act of aggression. Unless of course, being true to your cause, you would wish to peacefully resolve this through a marriage.
Olivia : You know what, your Highness…
Arthur : (Looking down dominantly) Yes?
Olivia : I would actually love a war with your foolish kingdom. Men! (waves her hand and the legion stands up) Prepare your men for that, starting this summer’s first harvest. WE LEAVE (waves her had and leaves with her whole legion out the great gates)
(Silence in the court)
Arthur : Well….that went unfortunately awful.
Lee : Terribly so.
Hans : Yeah.
Marvin : Wish you had like, an adviser to stop you from doing something so dumb.
Arthur : If I may take anything from this meeting , it is that ; at least she’s coming back.